A Tale of Two Citis (well nearly)

Ok so before you jump on the spelling error bandwagon (or the SEB as I like to call it in my freetime), I did not misspell cities but did indeed mean citis aka Citi Golf. This is a fine tale involving a Citi Golf and an Audi Saloon (not sure which kind because the number after the A had fallen off. Classic.) hence the ‘nearly’ title. It happened a few weeks back.

If you’re sitting carefully then I shall begin…(and if you’re standing then gee, sit down because you’re looking like a muppet standing which at a computer AND you’re probably hurting your back. Physical and emotional pain there. Double whammy.)

*note: timings given are inaccurate because I wasn’t looking at my watch much but I promise the facts are correct*

11.07: It was a splendid Saturday morning when Phil set off for a trip to Tala Game Park with his venerable friends Kylie, Izzle, Hannah, Kat, Ru, Naomi, Jules, Jenny, Abby, Ellie-Jo and Caleb (note the male-female ratio. The only other dude was 4. I love you Caleb). So they trundled down the motorway (FYI: called the N3)

11.32: Arrived a short 25mins later. After having quite enough estrogen for one journey, Caleb and I were both out of our respective cars and heading towards the braai (South African for BBQ – I’ll hit you up with some more of those translations another time, they’re comedy) area and rock pool (a pool shaped like a rock, nothing exciting). We soon connected through our testosterone and without saying a word Caleb hid behind a large rock (large meaning taller than mine, it came up to my knees. Role reversal would’ve been tough) while I told the girls I’d lost Caleb. Turns out women don’t find that all that funny. What was funny however was the shock on Hannah’s face when Caleb jumped out. Caleb and I bonded in that moment. Amen.

11.45: People begin to get into the pool shortly followed by screams of agony akin to death by fire. Only this was perceived death by cold. Some South African’s remarked ‘you must be British, no South African would get in there.’ Some pansies did get in with wet suits but by and large that man was correct. I had not planned to go in the pool because I was wearing my contacts and therefore also did not bring a towel. Unfortunately my easily baited instinct took over and I was soon in the pool. It was cold. After about 10mins you got too numb to feel a thing and at that point the experience resembled something close to enjoyable. I think at one point it even touched the line between enjoyable and ‘kill me now’.

12.11: Turns out it’s a bad idea to stand around in cold soaking wet swim shorts and ‘dry in the sun’. Note to self: bring towel.

12:46: Braai time. Great stuff. Meat. Fire. Tongs. Genesis 1.

14:00: Time to take to the game trail. Our intrepid explorers pile in the two cars. Phil, Kat, Izzle, Hannah and Kylie get into the Citi Golf. The other pile into the Audi.

14:06: Eagle-eyed Phil exclaims as he spots the first Springbok. Turns out it was not an antelope-related-animal but rather a bush VERY CLOSELY RESEMBLING ONE.

14:24: Citi Golf begins to struggle on the dirt tracks. Audi cruising.

14:28: We spot a lion king tree. ‘Now we’re in Africa’ remarks someone, they’ll probably go on to fail they’re degree.

14.34: As Citi Golf finds it harder and harder to overcome the tracks that are best described as ‘rural’, the Audi takes a left down a negative incline.

14.36: After two minutes deliberation and peering, Citi Golf travelers elect to part ways with the Audi and take another route. Wisdom.

14.41: Citi Golf travelers fail to see much game. The odd Springbok appears (and actually was an antelope-related-animal this time) but then runs back into the bush. Resulting photos look more like an animal version of ‘Where’s Wally’ than actually game photos. They wonder how the Audi is getting on with the animal hunting.

14.52: Citi Golf gets entirely lost. The map we were given is rubbish and look more like Mr. Messy (from Mr. Men fame) than a device for geographical knowledge transfer. We soon find a small hut and what appears to be a large rangers’ car. Aside from it blocking our path, we delight in maybe finding someone who knows where we are. After a quick realization that none of the girls are going to ask him, Phil climbs out of the ride and goes to find him.

14.56: Phil makes a glorious return clutching his map in his right paw. He feels he now knows how Prime Minister Chamberlain felt when he stepped off that plane with the piece of paper saying Hitler wouldn’t start a war.

14.57: Armed with the map that now included expert opinion on where all the big animals were and our present location. The Citi Golf sets off at a pathetic pace to hunt the game.

15.03: En route, the Citi Golf team wonders how many animals the Audi has found in the time they were lost.

15.23: Animals ahoy! Up ahead the Citi Golf spies a herd of Buffalo. Expertly Phil feels like David Attenborough himself as he spots what he thinks is a Giraffe up in the hills. However after realizing that Giraffes don’t walk like that nor does his ‘Giraffe’ have a long neck (thanks Hannah for that info) they realize it’s actually just a Springbok.

15.24: Oh how the mockers are mocked. Phil’s erroneous but beady eyed observation leads Kat to notice a large slowing moving grey object to the right of the ‘Giraffe. Said large slowing moving grey object to the right of the ‘Giraffe turns out to be none other than a Rhino, and its child.

15.25: Kat lives up to her name as she begins to have kittens over seeing the Rhino. ‘I’ve seen the big five’ she chants mercilessly as if her entry to heaven depended on it. What Kat was referring to is the so called ‘Big Five’ animals in Africa; the Elephant, the Leopard, the Buffalo, the Lion and the Rhino. In Kenya Kat had seen the other four. It’s almost hard to believe the fifth was now not running away at its top speed of 60mph at the shrieking Kat was now exuding.

15.26: I previously have talked about how much a like the word juxtaposition. I get to use it again here. A large metaphorical brick with JUXTAPOSITION hits me in the kidneys. Ouch. A phonecall from the Audi. Turns out that they had gotten stuck on the road they had turned down, the same road we had declined. They had been stuck for a while so had called out the emergency park guys. Naomi, who rang me, sounded somewhat panicky. In a mix of confidence in her and ignorance of the true severity of the situation, I told her it would be fine and she could do whatever was required to cope with the situation.

15.27: Upon hanging up, I attempted to inform the guys of the Audi’s predicament and their request for prayer. It’s safe to say my message was lost in light of the Buffalo and Rhinos.

15.32: We pull up towards the Buffalo and stop. Many photos are taken. Buffalo comes with 2m of my open door window. Man was it ugly. I would not marry one of those. It was however quite humbling to know it could take me even if I formed a tag team with a locked Citi Golf door.

15.37: We edge towards the Rhino who was, along with its baby, coming closer to the road. Kat is suddenly a lot quieter as we come within 10m of the beast (I mean that in a respectful way. Kind of like how Duncan Bourne is a beast among men). I feel very safe in my Citi Golf. Only later would I found out that only last week that Rhino ran at and turned over a Citi Golf. Turns out they can get to 60mph in just 6 strides. Good job I didn’t know that really.

15.45: I check on the Audi. The emergency people had just arrived. Audi team feeling a lot safer.

15.57: Citi Golf team is on the trail of the actual Giraffes. Armed with the whole long neck info, Phil feels a lot more confident of finding them.

16.06: Phil checks on the Audi. The sun is beginning to set and the emergency guys can’t get the Audi out. Tension rises.

16.10: Citi team finds a wedding. Phil thinks he sees a giraffes. Hannah says that just a dude with a long neck. Phil learns more.

16.13: Kylie spots a hidden path that might lead to the giraffe area. The adventurers trek on.

16.24: Citi team are a bit too full of animal excitement and take a few roads they shouldn’t have. Only God knows how we got up and down some of those hills.

16.28: Wild boar frolic in the long grass. Pumba was a lot cooler. No giraffe.

16.35: Update from Audi team. Car still stuck. Trying new ways of getting it out. Darkness on its way.

16.42: Citi team see Giraffe! Five of them! They are about 20m away in the trees eating leaves. Quality animals. The pictures were right, if they stood with legs apart all you’d need is a good quality blanket and you’d have a great tent. Bear Gryllis and Ray Mears combined couldn’t think of this stuff.

16.46: Citi Golf in trouble. We pick a bad path to go down. A large rock smacks against the underbelly of the car. Oops.

16.48: It’s not looking good as the path gets worse and worse. In comedy fashion some fat ranger-tourist-4x4-carrier-thing comes the other way. He tells us not to go down there. So we do a genius three point turn in the middle of a bush. In absolute comedy, the tourists in the 4x4 monster chuckle and take photos of us. I kid you not.

16.54: Audi update. Audi still not out. Sunset upon us. As the Citi team take amazing photos of the sunset, the Audi team see are still pretty much the same place as the two cars parted ways some two hours ago.

17.01: Citi team head back to the entry gate expecting the Audi to be out soon. They spot some Zebras on the way back, however the Zebras soon run away so if you want any photos of a Zebras butt give me a shout.

17.10: Citi arrives back at base. Rings Audi. Audi is still not out and they’ve called out another car, this time a bigger Land Cruiser. Dusk has fallen. Tension is high. Phil stands out of the car in the hope that the Land Cruiser rides past and he can get a lift to be with the others. Sadly upon seeing headlights it is just the same 4x4 thing they saw earlier. This time the tourists laugh at the Audi situation. This time it was not funny.

17.11: The Citi team re-enter the park to park by the Hippo pond.

17.23: Hippo watching is not so much fun. They tend to sit below the surface a lot. Not especially photographable.

17.24: Audi still not out but big car has arrived. Darkness now envelopes.

17.30: Citi team wait by the gate. Blankets come out of boot to keep warm. Audi team finding things hard again. Much prayer.

17.31: A quality game of ‘one day I went to the beach and brought an apple, a ball, a c…’ ensues in the Citi. Also we ask to use the gate man’s toilet and we find he is drunk. Confidence inspiring. And then Hannah falls into a pothole on the way back from toilet and can’t walk her ankle.

17.44: Audi team report that they are out and on their way back. Amazingly the Audi is drivable and largely unscathed. They arrive back at base to much jubilation and huggage. They tell us what actually happened.

The Audi had taken a path with took a very steep downward and angular turn. The everyone but the driver got out. The car began to slip down the hill. Thankfully it did not lose all control. The guys who got out looked on in horror. The Audi then got totally stuck in a large hole later on could not get any grip. When the emergency guys arrived Jenny asked ‘I bet a lot of people get stuck here’. The man simply replied, ‘no, people die here.’ Turns out that four rangers (that’s people in 4x4s who know the park) had died down that path, known as Devil’s Neck, by losing control and flipping their cars down it. A number of tourists have also died and been injured.

The guys could not explain how their loaded Audi Saloon survived that road and nor could the rangers. Call it luck, call it providence, call it what you want. It was outrageously improbable to have no damage to either the people or the car.